Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I'd like to Introduce you to Hunter Gatherer

Day: 2
Dates Remaining: 48

So, let's talk about Hunter Gatherer. I met this guy a few weeks ago at the climbing gym when I was there with a friend. I wouldn't say that sparks flew but he took a liking to me and got my number from my friend.

He then called me one night to plan a date. Let me tell you, planning a date with this guy was like pulling teeth. If a guy is going to call me to suggest a date, it's nice when he has an idea in mind of something to do. The whole "What do you want to do? I don't know what do you want to do? I don't know what do you want to do? I don't know what do you want to do?" game is a royal pain in the arse. We aren't sixteen anymore.

When he couldn't come up with a plan, I asked him what he likes to eat so I could suggest a restaurant. This is when things went from lame to strange.

He responded, "Well, I'm not on a DIEt, because I don't want to DIE, but I don't eat anything that I don't feel comfortable killing myself."

So what we were going to do? Drive out to a farm and slaughter a chicken or shoot a cow? Or did we have to go trampling through the forest to find a deer? In order to avoid this problem altogether, I decided that we would meet at a vegetarian restaurant.

We met the following night and the evening got off to a nice start with appies and good conversation. The topic of his funny food regimen came up and he said, "Well, I might as well tell you now that not only do I stick to eating food that I feel comfortable killing myself, but I also gather my own water."

Wait a minute. Gather water? Suddenly, visions of him wading in rivers with thigh high boots flowed into my head. I cringed.

"What?" I exclaimed, trying not to sound too shocked and disturbed.

"I drive to a spring west of Banff (about two hours from here) to gather water in big barrels. I then bring it back to Calgary and drink only that water, nothing else."

Intrigued, I asked, "What if you wanted to have a glass of water tonight? Surely the restaurant is not going to serve special water."

At this moment, Hunter Gatherer reached into his backpack, pulled out a bright green Nalgene and said, "That's why I bring my water with me everywhere I go."

And for the rest of the evening, Hunter Gatherer drank his special water.

Though I found Hunter Gatherer to be rather awkward and bizarre, he was very keen to go on another date. Since 50 dates in 50 days was about to begin, I agreed and we met for a coffee tonight.

He started off the conversation by telling me that he was going up to Red Deer tomorrow. When I asked him why he was heading north he responded, "I'm going to go find some mushrooms."

So not only was Hunter Gatherer into killing his own meet and gathering his water but he was also a drug addict? This was too much. Way too much.

He could tell that I was perplexed so he explained, "These aren't 'magic mushrooms.' These are special energy filled, nutritious mushrooms that you can only get in specific areas on certain trees. My friend and I are going to go walk around the bush, climb trees, cut the mushrooms off the trees and then dry them out in order to use them for tea. They have some of the highest concentration of nutrients."

Okay, that was enough. I was glad that I had entertained a second date today in order to be able to share this with you and to firmly decide that though Hunter Gatherer seems like a kind man, he will have to hunt food and mushrooms as well as gather water for another lady. This was too much for me. Plus, I'm onto date number 3 tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. OMG - This is hilarious! I can't wait to keep reading!
    Stacy

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