The Chase; Is It Really Thrilling?

You know, it's been two and a half months since 50 Dates in 50 Days ended but I'm still amazed by everything that happened in that 50 day time frame. I'm always telling friends that it was life altering but I really have a hard time explaining that bold statement.

How did it change my life? What happened that was so shocking?

Well...what didn't happen? That's probably a better question.

Either way, after all the dating, I'll never understand the chase. I will never get why there is a three day rule for calling. In fact, I will never comprehend why there are rules at all. Most importantly, it's a mystery to me why women have to be the ones being chased. Why can't we pick up the phone when we want to talk to a guy?

Yes, people say that it's an even playing ground but let's face reality, guys are the pursuers. They like to go after a woman and if we make ourselves too available they back off and find someone else. At what point does this end? At what point can a lady feel comfortable that calling or messaging a guy is not going to scare him off?

Now that I'm taking off on holidays for a while, I'll have time to really reflect on this mystery as well as all of the life altering 50 days and take some quality time to work on writing my book, 50 Dates in 50 Days - uncut. I'm spending a while out in the boons of Ontario with no internet, phone reception or connection to the outer world so it will be a good time to write and hopefully restore my faith in dating.

Appreciation

Why is it that it's so easy to take things for granted? Have you ever heard the expression, "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone?"

This goes for anything in life; work, family, friends and of course, relationships. Way back when I was in a serious long term relationship, my boyfriend used to do the nicest things. He cooked me great dinners, drove me all over the place and treated me like a princess.

No part of me regrets the ending of that relationship; however, I look back and feel that I didn't always appreciate the things he did. I didn't know any different so, yes, I took his kind actions for granted.

After dating a whole pile of men, I know that it's hard to find someone who pays attention to the finer details and who genuinely cares about other people. Maybe some guys are simply clueless but many of them are completely wrapped up with themselves. So, when I do come across a date or a friend who isn't like that, I really make a point to be sure that I do not take it for granted.

This brings me to wonder why it's so easy to get angry and focus on the negative things in life. Why don't we tell people more often how much we appreciate them? How hard is it to say thank you, I love you, you are fantastic, you mean so much to me? Really, those words aren't spoken nearly enough. Instead, I always hear people complaining about something negative or about something someone didn't do. Why not focus on what someone did do and appreciate that?

It isn't to say that we can always be positive but perhaps making an effort to, once a day, tell someone who matters just that. I have recently been trying to do this and trust me, everyone appreciates it.

The 3 Month Mark

Have you ever noticed that many relationships end after three months? I don't know what it is with the three month mark but something shifts at that time. Maybe someone gets scared of commitment? Perhaps someone drops the L-bomb too soon? Or is it that people's true colours finally start to shine through?

I don't have the answer to these questions but I do know for certain that something changes at the three month point. If I look back, I have had many situations that lasted just three months. It was almost like clockwork. Things started getting tense, we both wanted different things and the little spark that once was fizzled.

So would it not make more sense to just get to know someone for three months before starting to date? Perhaps developing a solid friendship first is the way to go?

I decided to write about this topic because it has come up in conversation numerous times over the past couple of days. One person I was talking to said that after three months, he found that girls' faults and craziness started to show and that's what freaks him out about the three month mark. Another friend of mine said that if a relationship is to be successful, the couple should wait three months before becoming intimate.

As for myself, my past three month relationships ended because I found that at this point, the honeymoon stage was over and I had gotten to know the person a lot better and had learned that there were too many negative qualities that would get in the way of a healthy relationship.

Either way, regardless of the situation, something happens at the three month mark. I wish I had answers to this mysterious time line but I will never know exactly how to describe this phenomenon. I can, however, say for certain that I, just like many others, am aware and weary of this three month turning point.

What's With Male PMS?

One of my closest friends once told me that every three months or so he goes through a week of funky moods that I decided should be referred to as Male PMS (MPMS for short). Whenever he has MPMS, I know it. He is irritable, unfriendly and over all, in a crappy mood. To top it off, it doesn't go away for at least 5-7 days!

Yes, women obviously get moody as well, but our moods switch on and off as fast as a light switch. As for me, if I get annoyed about something, the frustration lasts about 30 seconds instead of a whole day or an entire week. I guess everyone is different.

Either way, I was just chatting with a close girlfriend of mine who was telling me about the guy she is seeing and how he gets moody about life, traffic and his job on a regular basis. His MPMS sends her right into a bad mood and has the potential to ruin the time they spend together.

While we were chatting, we decided that male moods, in general, cause men to be mean and take their anger out on other people instead of the actual problem. You see, girls will go on and on with their girlfriends about what's going on, about their feelings and frustrations in life. They sort things out together and talk about the same feelings over and over again, all the time.

I don't know about you, but very few of my guy friends talk to each other about feelings and emotions. So, as far as I'm concerned, they are like high pressured vats of confused feelings that are ready to explode. Suddenly some small thing such as traffic or back pain may cause them to be in a multi-day bad mood or have a huge freak out when the root of the problem could be something else. And even if there is no root of the problem and it's just as simple as traffic or back pain, is it really necessary to get all up in arms?

Now, I'm not saying all men are like this but I do feel that all men experience a certain degree of MPMS whether they are willing to admit it or not. I am also not saying that women don't get moody as well, because clearly we do. I guess I'm just trying to figure out why people get moody and wondering if there is anything that people can do to acknowledge and control their moods. I'm really not sure if that is possible so in the meantime could someone please create Midol for men?

X

I am continuously being asked, "How was the 50 in 50? What did you learn?"

I am still having a hard time answering those questions. It's not that the experience wasn't life altering or that I didn't learn anything, it's simply that it's impossible to sum up in a short, succinct answer.

I usually end up telling people a funny story or two that gets them laughing and asking a bunch of questions about my dates. That's always good for entertainment but as for something I learned, there are were so many lessons that it's hard to know where to begin.

However, when I was out for lunch the other day, one learning that came to me was the fact that men love to talk about their exes. Looking back on the 50 days, I am hard pressed to think of too many people who didn't tell me about an ex or two.

I think that because most people know they were one of my 50 dates, the topic of dating inevitably came up. One thing led to the next and before I knew it, I was listening to a full blown story about my date's ex. I heard about cheating, lying, love, sex and everything else you could possibly imagine.

Why do women get angry when guys want a boys night out? Why do women want to control a guy's schedule? Why do women get jealous if their boyfriend has a female friend?

These are just some of the many common complaints I heard from my dates about their exes. Nonetheless, I think a lot of guys are really hung up on their exes or simply hung up on things their exes did. For example, someone who was cheated on has trust issues. If someone's ex didn't listen, then clearly no other girl is going to listen. If a guy's ex was irresponsible, then evidently every other woman must be irresponsible. Yes, these are also things I heard from my dates.

I'm sure women can be hung up on exes as well but I obviously did not spend time on dates with women to see what they had to say about exes.

But should people talk about their exes? I'm really open to it, but apparently it bothers a lot of people. I guess there is probably some rule about talking about exes but I think, at the end of the day, it just boils down to comfort level and the two individuals who are out on a date.

Honestly

We are being lied to every day. Politicians lie to us. Car dealers lie to us. Food manufacturers lie to us. The health care system lies to us. We walk around in this world full of distrust and fiction.

Then, what's worse is when someone close to us lies. Has that ever happened to you? It has certainly happened to me more than once. You know, that awful feeling when a close friend or family member betrays your trust? Doesn't that just make you feel sick to your stomach?

Well, what I find more nauseating than that is when I am not true to myself. That's right, when I'm not honest with my true thoughts, feelings and desires. It definitely stinks when someone lies to me but the worst lie of all is one to myself.

It can be so easy to convince myself that I really want something or really want to be somewhere when, in fact, I don't. I make excuses for others' behaviour or even my own. I don't tell the truth because I don't want to face it or I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. I listen to someone else when I really don't believe what they are saying.

This could cause serious problems in so many situations in life but particularly when it comes time for a relationship. I have seen so many people end up in relationships that they aren't sure about or didn't want to be a part of in the first place. I have also heard so many friends tell me that they knew all along it wouldn't last but they stuck with it for months or even years. I have heard others say they ignored red flags and moved forward anyway. Why? What's the point?

I guess it's easier that way, right? Well, lying about true feelings may be easier in the moment but can only cause grief in the long run. And, the last thing we need in life is any more grief. So moving forward, since I don't want to be lied to, I'm going to stop being a coward and be as candid and honest as possible by being true to myself. I challenge you to do the same.

Brain, Heart and Gut

I have written a lot recently about choices and decisions. As I have previously mentioned, we have so many choices these days that it becomes quite tricky to make a decision. I have been working on making decisions and sticking with them but the trouble is, how does one make a decision in the first place?

I was having this conversation with a colleague today because we were discussing how difficult it can be to make significant life decisions. He then said that he uses his brain, heart and gut feeling, which I like to refer to as instinct, when making a decision.

I like this trio. It makes sense.

Now, the problem is that if you don't have the gut feeling, how can you make a decision? Can one rely solely on the mind and/or the heart to come to a conclusion?

I really feel that the gut feeling is, nine times out of ten, the way to go. As humans, we have very strong instincts that at times we ignore or simply do not know how to listen to.

Evidently this applies to everything in life but in particular to relationships. If one is making a decision as to whether or not they want to be with someone or break up with someone or anything in between, it's the instinct that will lead the way. I feel that the heart will create feelings, the brain will assess the situation and then all of that is fed into the "gut feeling." You know the feeling. That sensation at the pit of your stomach that lets you know when something feels right or wrong. Don't ignore it, simply listen to it.